Twenty years old & dealing with depression.

Although I hesitate to say that I have by any sense of the word had a hard life, it certainly hasn't been entirely easy either.

Today I wrote three emails to various members of the University faculty discussing my severe depression. A milestone in acceptance, clarity and the coming to terms with of my own mental illness. However, it is simply only a small step in what is still quite a long and treacherous road. As of the beginning of my academic career at University, I have never quite felt that I've been on a level emotional plain. Yet it is only this year, where my mood swings, general feeling and horrible sense of depression became severe enough - that I bothered to consult a doctor. It is a sincere and great regret of mine that I was not honest with myself nor with other people beforehand.

As a consequence, I now must be on constant medication, surveillance and require counselling in order to get past something, which could have been treated much more easily in the past. In short, depression is ruining my life. Everyday I get up it's a struggle, to eat, wash and attend lectures is a considerable challenge and I have no desire to socialise with the outside world. There are some days where I just wont go outside. On occasion, I have considered the ultimate solution - suicide.

In many ways my life has become a Hell. I no longer relate to my friends, peers or even my family. If it was not for the support of certain people in life, I hesitate to wonder where I would be right now. On those days where there seems like no point to living, I crave that support the most. Although one can only hope to look to the future, sometimes it is so hard when the present seems to have nothing going for it.

I find some solace through medical treatment and my faith. We can only move forward because there is no going back.